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S. Jude Peregrine
Today my life is joyous and rich. I have a wonderful husband who is a hottie, fun, and truly loving. I have two children that are teenagers. I wake up every morning in a good mood and see all the j...показать большеToday my life is joyous and rich. I have a wonderful husband who is a hottie, fun, and truly loving. I have two children that are teenagers. I wake up every morning in a good mood and see all the joy and good things in my life. I have a great job that is challenging and connects me with a lot people. I feel terrific and energized! Today I see and feel my life is truly awesome, and I am thankful to Jesus Christ for the amazing gift of life.
In 2002 my life was quite different. From all outward appearances many would say that my life looked similar to what my life looks like now. I had the same hottie husband, a thriving career where I was making more money than I ever imagined, a beautiful house, and a wonderful family. Yes, from the outside much was the same, but internally my life was as different as day is to night. Although I would not have said it at the time, my life was missing joy. My calendar was full of activities, vacations, shopping; but they were truly meaningless in their pursuit.
What changed? My health. At age 38, I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, and that is really where my story begins.
Like many people who find out they are ill, I went through the standard medical procedure of chemotherapy, surgery, more chemotherapy, and radiation. It was a yearlong journey. A journey that I would wish upon no one, but a journey I now understand and am thankful that I went through. It seems strange to think how someone could be thankful for losing their hair and their breasts. But I am. It is only because of that enormous struggle that I now have wonderful joy. Because of that journey, I was healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Prior to being diagnosed with cancer, I had no clue how ill I was emotionally and spiritually. After being diagnosed with Stage 3B cancer, I kept thinking, “How could God let this happen to me – is he punishing me? I go to church every Sunday.” What I know now is that God was not punishing me. He was, however, trying to get my attention.
Up to that point in my life I could analyze, navigate, and fix almost any challenge I faced. But stage 3B breast cancer was something I could not fix. That challenge was beyond me. Although the statistics were not encouraging, I felt optimistic; A grace from God. And so my journey began. I began by going through test after test, and doctor visit after doctor visit.
At the same time I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband lost his job. His company was acquired and they did not need two CFOs. But God provided. He provided my husband with a new job. Out of the blue, a former employer called and offered my husband a job which he was not qualified for, had no experience in, and at a 40% pay cut. However, it was enough at the time to sustain our family. This was one of my first glimpses of God from a different perspective. God continued to provide for my needs.
When I was initially diagnosed I thought I would work throughout my treatments. After all, work was a big part of my life and at the time one of the main reasons I existed. Clue 1 as to how ill I was spiritually and emotionally. Well, after a few weeks of trying to juggle a demanding job, doctor appointments and tests, I realized I could not work at the pace required that made my employer so successful. So, tearfully, I wrote my resignation letter and submitted it to my boss and the owner of the company. The owner of the company instructed my boss to pay me the difference between disability and my salary; A gift from God. He also instructed the benefits coordinator to work with the company’s health insurance provider to make sure all of my medical bills were covered as much as possible; Another gift from God.
At home, in the mornings, after my husband left for work and my children left for school, I suddenly found myself alone with time that was unplanned and unoccupied. Two thoughts crossed my mind with what to do with this new found time: I can clean the house or I can go to Mass.
I actually did not know daily Mass even existed until a week before resigning from my job. Clue 2 how ill I was spiritually. I remember standing in front of the large beveled mirror in my white shiny master bathroom and thinking, “Well, I don’t have anything better to do so I might as well go to Mass.” It sounds so funny when I reflect on this now. I now believe that this choice of going to Mass that day was monumentally significant to my healing, physically and spiritually.
And so I went to Mass. To my surprise, the chapel was crowded. How strange it seemed that people who were healthy went to Mass on week days.
After I was diagnosed, I met with my priest. I was still so confused why God let this happen to me. I saw God at that time like a parent that rewards and punishes based on behavior. My priest did not have answers but he did expose me to the concept that God loved me and how God even knows how many hairs there are on my head. I didn’t fully understand this God and prayed that God would heal me miraculously.
During this same visit my priest asked me about the last time I went to confession. At the time I was a Catholic who did not practice the basics of my faith. Just as I had contemplated in my bathroom about going to Mass, I clearly remember sitting across from the priest in his office, surrounded by all the books on the shelves contemplating his question about confession. I was thinking about why would I need to go to confession when I was a good person; I didn’t kill or steal or commit adultery or… “But what the heck, I will go to confession.” God’s grace.
So I confessed things that in my mind did not break the Ten Commandments, because I thought I was good. I did however, confess things that bothered me. This confession was my first step to spiritual, emotional, and physical healing. This confession opened up something inside me and I started to cry. I did not understand, these items were not big. They were not breaking the commandments. I left that meeting with my priest feeling better, lighter.
Over the next 12 months I would continue to go to confession on a weekly basis. Things would bubble up and I would confess them accompanied by a stream of tears. Week after week, bit by bit, all of the spiritual and emotional hurts and pains made their way out. This was part of my journey and it juxtaposed my medical treatments. Every week for one year I would cry through every confession until one day I didn’t. Finally, all those years of built up hurts and pains were fully washed away.
I am convinced that my physical healing was tied to my spiritual and emotional healing, and that reconciliation was the pathway to achieving health.
After I was healed and my life was relatively normal again, the Lord kept placing the thought of this book in my mind and that is how this devotional journal came to be. I hope this book is a gift to you.показать меньше
Книги автора S. Jude Peregrine
From C to Shining C from Cancer to Christ: A Devotional for the Journey of Cancer